Thursday, 7 March 2013
I sit munching my way through breakfast with one ear cocked to the Today program. More terrible news from Syria, the latest government assault on benefit claimants, Wayne Rooney's fading career prospects and what seems like hours of "business news" (I'm sure that there never was so much time devoted to business). It all forms an aural montage of despair. This morning however a couple of unconnected items caught my attention. First was the latest food/health scare. It's a well known scientific fact that all matter can be divided into two classes, that which cures and that which causes cancer. Today it was the turn of meat. Well, processed meat to be more precise; sausages, pies, bacon, that kind of stuff. Apparently two bacon sarnis a week could do you more harm than sixty fags a day. Straight up. A panel of experts discussed all this in the studio. Eat more veg. Cut back on meat. No pies and sausages. Having separated the prime cuts what should we do with the cheap, less aspiration bits? Grind them down to a pap and feed to the poor? What do you mean, "That's what happens now"? Oh! I see. I sigh and pour another cup of coffee. The Today team move on. Her indoors issues my instructions for the day. What's this they are talking about now? A plague of deer. More experts. Apparently the country is overrun with deer and they are eating all the vegetables that we are supposed to be replacing our pies with. Should there be a national deer cull? Well I would have thought so. Perhaps we should get venison back on the menu. Packed with protein and low in saturated fat, venison combined with the veg that dead deer can't eat, would form the basis of our new austerity diet. They should have me in charge of all this stuff really. "Do you wan't another slice of toast"?